Hired guns?  Are there any of you out there?

Please, if you have a single compassionate bone in your body, put me on the list.  Preferably somewhere near the top?  Thanks bunches.

Oh, and if this makes it any more appealing for you, feel free to make it as painful and torturous as possible.  Whatever you have in mind can’t effing touch what we’ve got going on in this hell hole.  I always say, “If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it right.”

Hit me with your best shot.

If you are one of those parents that send their sick children to school, please read on because this is just for you.   If you are the type to get all up in arms when someone calls you out on your bullshit, please do not hesitate to send me disgruntled emails and hateful comments.  I would love nothing more than to know who you are and what your reasoning is for spreading your misery around.

My oldest son, 17 now, has missed probably 40% of school up to this point.  Mostly because he was exhibiting some minor symptom of one thing or another and I didn’t think it would be right to risk passing something on to the other kids in his class.  Usually, it ended up being allergy or asthma related and wouldn’t have been contagious anyway, but I had the decency to put other people’s health before my 4 1/2 hours of free time.

I know that in many situations mothers have jobs that their entire lives depend on, and if not for having a place to send their children, they would miss work, lose pay and so on and so forth.  Are there any of you out there who have been told that if you didn’t show up to work because your child was violently ill you wouldn’t have a job anymore?  If you have, I can understand.

I personally would lose my shit if someone told me that and I’d be looking for a new job anyway.  When you are threatened with losing your job and your job is the only thing holding your household together, that’s a different story.

The place where I send my younger children is a “Mother’s Day Out” type program.  My second goes 5 days a week, the middle kid goes 3 and the baby, 2. All of these days, they go from 9:30 am until 2:00 pm.  There is not an employer out there willing to let you work these hours, 2 or 3 days a week and if you have a job that lets you work these hours, let me know because I WANT IN.

Oh. Em. Gee.  What I wouldn’t give for some extra money. Most of the mothers that send their children here are SAHM’s just like me.  I know this because I have been involved with this program for nearly 5 years. Fortunately my oldest now learns for his HS diploma, so that takes a whole lot off my back.

I just have to ask one thing.  Does your pedicure REALLY mean that much to you?  If you have to reschedule your hair appointment, is it going to be the end of the world?  I have spent hundreds of dollars in the last few weeks medicating my children and myself for the sake of your vanity.

I completely understand the desperate need for “me time” and I am an advocate, but when your child is running a fever and vomiting don’t bust out your wipes in the car to wipe the puke off their face before you take them in and act like nothing is wrong.

My baby was in the NICU with an IV in. her. head. being fed through a tube with a machine helping her breathe for 2 weeks.  I kept her locked up in my house for a year in fear that something somewhere would strike her down.

I figured a year was plenty long to keep my kid in a bubble, and yes, I understood that when I put her in this sort of environment that she would probably be frequenting the pediatricians office.  What I didn’t expect was this especially sparkly corner of hell that my family and I are stuck in at present.

We have our own designated buckets.

We carry them to the bathroom to hold in front of us while we sit on the toilet.

I have used an entire gallon of bleach in the past 2 days.

This is on top of all of us having colds.  On top of the oldest having asthma and his second case of Strep in 2 months.  On top of the middle kid having a sinus infection.  On top of the youngest having infections in both ears.

A 72 hour bug.  That’s what the pediatrician has called it.  If I have to do this for another 48 hours you might as well just consider this my final hoorah.  I’ll either be on my way to Mexico in a stolen black convertible Corvette or I’ll be having my autopsy done to find out if it was actually the deer rifle or the virus that killed me.

Catch ya on the flip-side!


My solutions for unsolicited calls from telemarketers:

  • Of course there’s the easiest:  Click on/Click off.
  • I let my four year old answer the phone and chat for a while.  There tends to be a lot of “…can I talk to your mommy?”  (he always puts the phone on speaker) to which I loudly respond “tell them Mommy’s in the shower!”
  • Directly in the middle of a long drawn out spiel I will excitedly tell them “HOLD THE PHONE this is just too good!  Let me get something to write with. I have to get this info down on paper!  Gimme juuust a sec…”  They are thinking they’ve got it made.  Then they realize I’m not coming back when they hear the baby making slobbery noises into the phone and the coffee grinder in the background.
  • If someone makes the mistake of calling me when I’m attempting to put the baby in her bed and she is suspended mid air when the phone rings, look out!  Mad woman on the loose!  I end up asking if they would mind giving me their home phone number so that I might pick an opportune time to sell them something useless and ruin their good mood.  Or I might inquire about whether they have children or not and ask them what their sleep schedules look like.
  • Oh, and one of my personal favorites is when I try to be polite and tell them I’m not interested in the most respectable way possible and they keep on keepin’ on.  At that point, I’m done.  A children’s show playing loudly by the phone would work for this one, but I prefer taking the phone out to the garage as they talk and then honking the horn on my car until they hang up.  Works like a charm.  That one will usually get you removed from the call list, too!

The phone and I, we are sworn enemies.  I hate the phone.  I have no clue why, I just do.  If I know you personally and I’ve not answered, I either genuinely missed the call or was in the middle of changing a diaper or something and I would hastily call you back.  Be glad you were lucky enough to get the answering machine instead of the “Click on/Click off” thing.  That makes you really really special.